365 Days

you never realize the length of a year, until it becomes a countdown.

you watch as the sun rises.

you watch as it sets.

you count the stars in the sky.

you watch as the seconds tick by slowly.

suddenly, your life is a waiting game.

365 days ago, was the day my life became a waiting game.

a countdown for tragedy ,

a date that will never be the same.

365 days ago, I no longer was a victim.

I became a survivor.

although that’s a beautiful thing,

it’s also a curse in disguse.

its a date that counts down the years.

for the next eight years,

my life will be a countdown.

I remember the intense feeling of uncertainty.

I walked into the courtroom,

all heads and eyes turned to me.

my feet were in motion,

but everything felt frozen.

I locked eyes with him.

my heart dropped to my stomach.

the world around me felt like it collapsed.

I took a seat as my sister went up to the stand.

I sat and listened to her testimony.

she began explaining who i used to be.

the girly girl who only wore dresses.

the girl who sung at the top of her lungs.

someone who walked up to strangers.

someone who had a life going for her.

until the one person who was meant to protect me,

took away everything I had.

and for what?

his five seconds of enjoyment.

at age ten, I had to relearn life.

I was forced to protect my family.

by doing so, i lost myself.

everyday was hell.

waiting to hear his car door.

crying in my room,

knowing in five minutes, things would change.

I’ve experienced heartbreak before,

but hearing someone break down because they miss the old you,

is a new type of heartbreak.

within these 365 days,

i lost a lot.

my family didn’t support me.

they ended up disowning me.

I lost all my friends because I couldn’t leave my house.

I didn’t know what it felt like to have support.

I left public school.

i fell behind in school and my grades slipped.

i was overwhelmed with guilt.

i felt like what i did was wrong.

in court, my father broke down crying.

he looked right at me and cried out, “im sorry”.

i got up, and left.

in that moment, it was real.

all the pain, abuse, and harm he had caused me,

finally hit him.

It took me three months to get up.

i stayed hidden in my room.

until, we took a trip to texas.

where it all began.

we ventured to all our old stomping grounds.

even the house where the abuse started.

i remember looking at the house, and the flashbacks started.

the young girl, sitting so innocently.

surfing through the cartoon channels,

just moments before her life altered forever.

how one little incident,

turned out to be a repetitive pattern,

that would soon destroy her.

i could feel the anxiety roam through my veins.

as if it was happening all over again.

however, i just shed a tear, and became silenced.

that little girl never thought she’d live to be eighteen.

she never thought she’d get justice.

in that intense moment of anxiety and flashbacks,

was a bit of peace.

that was my closure.

after that trip, i grew.

i went back to my job.

i created the best bonds there.

however, i still struggled.

many sleepless nights turned into my enemy.

i grew afraid of sleeping.

the uncountable ptsd nightmares held me back.

i felt hopeless.

it seemed like the world was moving on,

and i was being left behind.

I decided to make changes.

I didn’t take a summer break from school.

instead i took a headstart.

i was not only working, but also was a full time student.

i stayed up until 4-5 a.m everyday,

just working on school.

as a result of the effort, i graduated early.

my biggest accomplishment.

i remember crying as i took my last final.

because i didn’t think i was capable of graduating.

i walk the stage this month

without my family by my side.

I’ve learned a lot in 365 days.

i learned how to trust again.

i learned how to be myself.

i let my guard down and let myself like someone.

i had to relearn life

a life without abuse.

a life without pain.

in 365 days, i became the best version of myself.

i radiate good energy.

I’ve expanded my friend group.

i let myself discover happiness.

to my dad,

this date is forever a countdown.

the day your voice was silenced.

while mine was louder than imagined.

i finally realized this wasn’t my fault.

today is your day to countdown.

seven more years,

of endless sunrises and sunsets,

that are hidden behind the dark, cold, brick walls,

that you now call home.

sincerly,

a survivor.

Blooming

love is almost like a tree.

it starts off being planted within our hearts.

and slowly growing the more we take care of it.

instead of water, we use words.

words from the one whom planted the seeds.

the roots grow strong and it begins to bloom.

however,

at any given moment, it could collapse.

whether it’s a lighting strike or simply old age.

just like nature.

sometimes the roots grow weak,

and it collapses at our feet.

love is more than just a feeling.

it’s a deep connection that binds two souls.

there will come days where a hurricane hits,

and it takes every bit of energy to stand tall.

the aftermath can take a while to clean up,

but it’s always worth it.

it’s more than having someone to hold.

it’s finding a part of you, inside someone else.

the endless rush of adrenaline you get around them.

endlessly finding yourself falling for them.

it all starts from one simple seed.

with the right love and energy, it continues to blossom into a beautiful masterpiece.

some days you may put in more love than you receive.

but what’s love without a little bit of bumps?

trees tend to give out oxygen for us to breathe,

while they intake the carbon dioxide that is dangerous to us.

love is the same way.

we intake all our flaws and they turn into a beautiful masterpiece to one another.

we release love and hope into each other, to keep us growing.

there’s nothing like a life with a little bit of love.

plant the seed within yourself first.

let yourself bloom with grace.

take your patience and love and find that person to plant the seed within.

let love grow slowly and beautifully.

let it bloom.

Perfection

One simple word.

One simple word that can destroy someone.

We search for perfection within ourselves.

We strive to be someone’s perfection.

We want to be perfect to everyone.

But what is perfect?

It’s a word that we use to tear ourselves down and rise others up.

We strive to be something that doesn’t exist

Which puts us at a dead end road of self hatred.

It’s the endless insecurities we find in ourselves.

We count our calories

Our goal is to be prettier than the next

To have what others might not have

To be wearing the most expensive brands, to feel some sort of power

To drown our sorrows in a mask

Perfection simply doesn’t exist

Someone may be beautiful.

They may have everything you’ve ever wanted

That doesn’t mean what’s going on behind closed doors, is perfect

We become so numb to our emotions that we run off the idea of being perfect on the outside

Not wanting to fix the damage within ourselves.

As long as you wear the right thing and look the right way, nothing else matters

Until the tornado of depression hits

Until the hurricane of anxiety tears everything apart

Until the silent voices in your head ring out like a bell

It’s all fun and games until we become suicidal

Young girls believe they aren’t good enough because of the quality of what the eye sees.

We tend to push away people because they aren’t good enough to fit your standard.

Screw your standards

We all came into this world the same way

Not knowing how to do anything

We all grew

We learned

So what makes you better than someone else?

This world is bruised with the damaged idea of perfection

Strive to love one another

But love yourself first

Because at the end of the day

Perfection is an imagination

Let It Be

The rush you get from being young

The sensation of feeling alive

The feeling of being wanted

It seems like a beautiful thing

Sometimes we get lucky and it stays that way

Other times, life comes crashing down

Like the waves crashing into the shore

The rain falling upon the window sill as you race the droplets

We sit back and let life take its course

However we come into obstacles

Sometimes we are the titanic

And life is an iceberg

Nobody expects anything to go wrong

Until it does

And sometimes, it takes over and floods our lives

The feeling of being wanted quickly vanishes into the unknown

The feeling of being alive quickly becomes a sensation of constant numbness.

The rush we get, is suddenly put in slow motion

We try pushing the fast forward button

Yet it seems like the remote has been stolen

We are no longer in control of our lives

We search for the exit

When in reality, it doesn’t exist

We push through the dark to find the light

We run through the rain to find safety

We look for happiness in other people

Which only leads us into heartbreak.

We expect others to take control of our happiness,

instead of taking actions into your own hands.

We descend from broken generations,

where our voices tend to be silenced.

Be the light in the dark.

Be the voice in the silence.

Don’t let it be.

Philophobia

Philophobia is the fear of love.

It’s a feeling you begin to get when you feel yourself attaching to someone who may easily walk out.

It’s a constant feeling of uncertainty, never knowing when it’s going to end, but having the constant mindset that it will.

Many people who find themselves with philophobia, most likely have been abandoned in the past.

Abandonment is a reoccurring issue that we tend to see happening in this world nowadays.

Commitment suddenly isn’t known as much.

People tend to jump from person to person, to meet their satisfactory and needs.

We, as humans, tend to dispose of things when we no longer feel like they have a purpose.

Unfortunately, we’ve decided to start disposing one another instead of inanimate objects.

Love is something beautiful and fragile.

It’s something that can make someone feel alive again after feeling so lost.

Many people are afraid of being alone, and having someone to love, cures that for them.

Sometimes in the end, it doesn’t seem to work out.

We tend to find ourselves distracted and uninterested with who we’re with, that we begin to slip away

The majority of the time, it’s an easy process to realize that things just aren’t meant to be.

It may tear you or your significant other apart, but in the long run, it’s what’s best.

However, a term that’s been coming to life more than commitment, is ghosting.

Ghosting is where you disappear from someone’s life with no reasoning and leaving no evidence as to why, behind.

This is a form of how philophobia begins.

When you fall in love with someone and they decide one day that it isn’t worth it anymore, and just vanish, it leaves you with uncertainty and no closure.

Our minds begin to believe it’s us who caused it.

That eventually leads to the feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, being unlovable, etc.

One simple action can destroy someone, inside and out.

It’s a mental battle that the person has got to face daily, until they find the smallest bit of closure.

In this world, we tend to forget what it’s like to be completely loved.

Whether it’s by a significant other or simply just a friend.

We develop trust issues and anxiety around the fact of not being good enough for people.

Falling for someone used to be the most beautiful thing.

The butterflies you get when you hear their name or see them.

The endless smiles you have while talking to them.

The constant checking to see if you received a message from them.

Now we all have that lingering feeling of ‘what if i’m not enough’.

We see other people of the same sex and wonder “what if they’d rather have someone pretty like that”?

We begin to degrade ourselves because we feel as though, everything is based off our appearances.

But it’s not.

Find someone who loves you for you.

You don’t have to be the prettiest person in the room to get someone’s attention.

I’d rather be the kindest person than the prettiest person.

Having a good soul will take you a whole lot further than a pretty face.

It’s okay to find yourself wondering why someone would go for you, it’s a normal thought we all get.

But just know you’re worth more than what you can see.

Don’t let your past define your future.

Allow someone to come into your life and show you that you are lovable.

Because you are.

At the end of the day, there’s someone out there who thinks about you.

Someone who thinks of how amazing and spectacular you truly are.

Someone who can’t help but to smile at the thought of you.

And even if there’s not, there will be.

Don’t let past relationships and mistakes, hold you back from truly giving yourself a shot at happiness.

You’re lovable.

You’re worthy.

You’re spectacular.

Don’t you ever forget it.

National Coming Out Day

Beautiful

Colorful

Sweetest souls

Love is love

Bi, Gay, trans

You’re all worthy of so much.

Today is all about you and your struggles that you had to face to be yourself.

Many people don’t comprehend the idea of same sex relationships.

Many people are closed minded about love and how it should be.

I’m proud of you

Whether you’ve come out yet, i’m proud of you.

You carry weight on your shoulders, not knowing whether you’ll be accepted or looked down upon.

It’s bizarre how we shame people for having feelings.

How we kill innocent people because they find themselves in love with someone.

It’s crazy how a simple thing, such as gender, can tear a nation apart.

You’re valid for your feelings.

If your family has disowned you, we’re now family.

You’re amazing just the way you are.

You don’t need others approval.

It takes a lot to come out and be honest with the world.

So thank you for sharing your truth and staying true to who you are.

Love is a beautiful thing.

Don’t let society tell you that love only exist between a male and a female.

Love exists within two souls that are bonded by fate.

Be proud

Share your colors with the world

Shine brighter than all those who try dulling your sparkle

Love always wins

I’m proud of you

You’re valid

You’re loved

You matter

I wish you the best of luck if you haven’t come out yet

Remember you’ll always have a friend in me, if the world turns against you

beYOUtiful💛

Mental Health

Mental Health is a disease that’s taking control of many innocent souls.

It slowly drowns it’s victim in pain and unwanted fears.

It divides itself into many categories such as anxiety, depression, ptsd, etc.

The ways to cope with it or to cure it, is often deadly.

Many don’t find hope in themselves or in getting better.

Many failed therapy sessions lead to the unthinkable.

How simple household items can become the cure to someone’s pain

It may be a simple jump rope that takes the innocent.

It may be the gun that’s locked up, yet you know where the key lays.

Its not glamorous, as the movies try making it seem.

It’s not just getting scared to answer a phone.

It’s being afraid to leave your bed most days.

It’s not being able to shower and take care of yourself because you can’t get the motivation to get out of bed.

It’s the dishes in the sink that pile a mile high because you’re too tired to do it.

It’s having break downs over the mile high dishes, yet still not being able to get yourself to do them.

It’s a battle between you and your mind and on most days, you lose.

It’s drowning your pains with alcohol and drugs.

It’s starving yourself when you feel the slightest bit bloated.

It’s binging everything in sight because you can’t control yourself.

It’s feeling completely alone while you’re in the middle of a crowded room.

It’s being drawn into a flashback from hearing and seeing things that trigger you.

It’s never knowing when the next attack will strike.

It’s not knowing when or if it’ll get better.

Some days you’ll wake up completely okay

Other days you’ll wish you never woke up.

It’s a process that takes time to get under control.

Some people take medication to keep things balanced and to help the process faster.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Wanna know why?

Everyone has a battle that they’re facing.

Some of us are able to walk out into the world and smile, acting as though everything is okay.

Some of us can’t walk out into the world at all.

In case you needed a sign that things would get better and that you should have hope, this is it.

You are absolutely beautiful.

You are absolutely handsome.

You’re absolutely human, which makes you imperfectly perfect.

It’s okay to hit rock bottom.

What’s not okay is to give up because of hitting rock bottom.

We’ve all been there, and if you haven’t, you will.

Once you hit rock bottom, you might take some time to sit there. To look back at how you got there.

Then, you make a change.

It’s hard getting better when you don’t accept the fact that you’re at fault or that you’re flawed.

It’s okay to not always be right.

Take your mistakes and learn the lesson. Take that lesson and learn how to grow from it.

Once you know your faults and you learn from it, you’ll grow and prosper.

Everyone is a good person until you make people believe you’re not.

But even then, you can prove that you’re a good person once again.

Let life throw you down.

Let life teach you lessons, whether they’re extremely hard or just a little bump.

Know your worth.

It’s okay to feel worthless because we all do at some point.

However, remember that you’re not.

Place your hand on your heart. You feel that? That’s purpose.

Be the light in someone else’s darkness.

Grow with one another and learn along the way.

Some of us may have thorns, don’t let the rose fool you.

Keep your head high and your expectations low.

Together we can outshine the darkness.

There are other ways out of mental health.

Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

You’re loved

You’re wanted

You’re worthy.

With time, you’ll feel it and believe it too.

It may not be today

It may not be tomorrow

But honey, your time will come.

This too, shall pass.

Be the Rainbow After the Hurricane

Humans are destructive.

We tend to break things.

The one thing we’re destructive towards the most, is ourselves.

We dwell on the past and all the mistakes we’ve left behind.

We tear ourselves apart, trying to figure out where we had gone wrong.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit for the good we’ve done.

When it rains, it pours.

We tend to stand in the rain, as all the mistakes drown out the good.

The river of pain flows through us, no matter how hard we try to avoid it.

Then, the rain stops.

We stand in the open, as the clouds drift away.

As the clouds leave, the beautiful colors light up the sky.

One end spreads to the other, in a memorizing way.

In that moment, we remember the good we’ve done and all the positive aspects of our lives.

Nowadays we don’t give ourselves or others the credit we all deserve.

We all make mistakes, it’s in our blood.

We tend to remember the bad decisions and mistakes we’ve made.

We only view one another for those mistakes.

We got so lost in the negativity, that we forgot that we’re not all that different.

We’ve all hit rock bottom at some point.

We’ve all sat on the floor, sobbing, wondering where we could’ve went wrong.

The truth is, we didn’t go wrong.

We followed our instincts and we ran into trouble.

Mistakes happen and that’s what makes life so beautiful.

We all regret something in our lives.

Everyone endures different pain and creates their own mistakes.

We all have to learn the same life lessons, just in different forms.

Remember that you’re human.

Perfection is just a word made up by an imperfect human, who wanted to strive to be better.

That’s all we can do.

Strive to be the best version of yourself.

Practice makes progress, not perfect.

You’re worthy of so much.

Your potential goes beyond your knowledge.

Your strength comes from the battles you’ve yet to face.

Don’t be the thunder on a cloudy day.

Be the rainbow after the hurricane.

Survivor

I am many things, but I am not a victim.

Victim is a word that brings shame to me. It causes the flashbacks to flood through my mind like an open river.

I am a survivor and this is my story.

I was ten years old.

I just moved from New York to Texas, to be a whole family with my father.

He was in the military and wasn’t around much for the first ten years of my life, until we lost our house and had to come together as a family.

At ten years old, I was proud of my father.

In school I always wrote about how proud I was of him and how much I missed him.

To this day, I still have those notebooks.

What I didn’t see, was the evil that lingered within the flesh.

At ten years old, I was molested.

My innocence, dignity, and trust was taken from me.

I was stripped away of my childhood at the hands of my own father.

My first kiss was forced by him. I remember the moment so vividly.

I remember me pushing away, but being too weak. I remember the tears I was fighting back. I remember the pounding in my heart and fear flowing through my entire body.

I remember running to my bedroom afterwards and crying. I remember the conversation I had with myself.

I told myself that I would never tell a soul.

My father was a dangerous person. He was an alcoholic and anger ran through his veins.

If I were to have told somebody, he would have killed us.

That was our biggest fear. We all feared that he was going to snap and harm us.

So I didnt tell a soul.

The molestation occurred for three years.

It was an everyday occurrence that I couldnt escape, but I tried.

At the age of eleven, I had my first suicide attempt.

At the age of eleven, my best friend was a sharp object that calmed my fears and pain.

At the age of eleven, I developed an eating disorder.

I should’ve been outside playing with friends. I should’ve been enjoying time with family and enjoying my childhood, like every normal eleven year old should.

Instead I was trying to escape the evil. I was trying to protect my family, at the cost of my own life.

At age 12, we moved away from Texas.

We got orders to move to Indiana, so we packed up and headed out.

We settled in well and things were okay. The molestation stopped.

However, my body was still an object.

Constant touching on the outer layers, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.

Then, I got a boyfriend.

My father hated him. You could feel the tension in the air and it was obvious as to why.

For the next two years, I was safe. As long as I had a boyfriend, he didn’t harm me.

March 19th, 2018 rolls around.

At this point I’m in New York visiting my sister. I broke down and told her everything.

Within a week we had lawyers and it was time to get my justice.

It wasn’t an easy process.

My father was still out roaming the streets.

We had an order of protection against him, to keep him away from me.

We did this entire process via the military because it was easier and had a quicker ending.

The whole process mentally killed me.

I grew depressed, I couldn’t focus anymore.

So I dropped out of regular school and switched to online.

At this point I had a job, so I started working during school hours to keep me focused and not overthink.

On February 12th, 2019 I sent my father to jail.

During trial I had to listen to my family explain how this whole situation changed me.

I was no longer happy.

I started wearing jeans and hoodies, even in the blazing heat.

I became underweight.

I didn’t see a future for myself.

My father broke down in trial and apologized to me, in which I walked out of the courtroom.

In that moment, i felt guilt.

I put family in prison, even though it wasn’t my fault.

That was, and is, the hardest part to overcome.

The day after trial, my boyfriend at the time ghosted me. A few weeks later, I broke it off.

Life seemed like it wasn’t going to get better.

Then, I went back to my job and everything fell into place.

I gained the best friendships

I learned my worth.

I figured out that I do in fact have a future.

I even learned that I was lovable, even with my underlying problems.

I struggle with PTSD.

I have many sleepless nights because I don’t want to deal with the flashbacks and nightmares.

However, I smile a lot more.

I’m becoming comfortable in my own skin.

I’m becoming me again.

I was once a victim.

I am now a survivor.

Life

Life is anything but simple.

Some days are bright, the other days are dark.

Some days last a lifetime, other days are gone with the blink of an eye.

Regardless of the time, energy, and purpose of that day, it’s still beautiful.

Someone reading this right now, is struggling. Whether it’s due to personal issues or whether it’s just not knowing which direction to take.

You might be struggling to find a job. You may be having problems within your family. You may just be struggling to carry on.

We’ve all been there, you’re not alone.

In dark times, we tend to push the people that care about us, away. Whether it’s ignoring them or simply being dry. Us humans think it’s easier to distance ourselves in stressful times, but it’s not.

While you’re pushing those who care about you away, they’re wondering what they did wrong and why they aren’t able to help you. They’ll become stressed, not knowing what it is exactly they can do to provide love and support.

We need each other in dark times, and heres why.

When we distance ourselves, we become alone. We begin thinking too deeply about little things and sometimes we push ourselves into a depressive state.

Friends aren’t meant for good times only.

Friends are people that stick by you through your highs and lows. They’ll provide the light in the darkest of situations and will always have your back when you fall.

I’m the type of friend who worries. If I know you’re struggling, I dont want you to distance yourself. I try my hardest to provide as much love and comfort as a human possibly can.

Remember this: it’s a bad day, not a bad life.

You can have continuous bad days, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

We tend to only focus on the dark times and we never shine the light on the good memories that we’re mixed in.

We’re all so focused on the bad that goes on around us, that we almost forget the good times. We forget the endless laughs and smiles shared. We forget the good times spent with friends. We forget that we’re lucky enough to even be alive.

Some people don’t get that.

Some people have an expiration date that they’re counting down to.

Some people can’t recall the last time they smiled or even laughed.

Some people can’t even remember their own self.

Mental health has plummeted over the last few years.

Personally, I struggle the most with PTSD and major depression. It’s hard for me to make friends, especially with males. So the very few friends I have, are reminded daily of how much I love them.

I don’t get appreciated a lot. In fact, I give so much to everyone, but dont receive it in return. However, that’s not important to me. Why? because seeing the people I love so much, look so happy, is the best thing anyone could give me.

We’re so focused on who gives the best gifts, when we should be focused on who gives us the best love.

Life is too short to expect so much from people.

Take that person on a date. Message your friends in stressful situations. Go climb that mountain. Take the risks you’re so afraid to take. One day you’ll look back on your life and question why you didn’t take the shots you were able to take.

You are worthy, amazing, and wanted.

Most importantly, you are not the voices in your head.

You are the endless laughs, smiles, jokes.

You are the light of someones life.

You are the reason someone is able to look forward to a new day.

You are you. That’s the best you could ever be.

Today is the start of a new week, let it be a good one. If it fails you, there’s always next week. With time, things get better. Smile, it looks good on you.